Executive Suite  Just A Little Fun!

Know any good jokes! We hear lots ... so thought we would share a few!  This page is updated frequently, if not daily, with the new ones added at the bottom of the list! If you enjoy keep revisiting and scroll down!

As you age your powers of concentration are diminished - this seems to affect men more often than women. The degree of loss can be determined by clicking on the word 'test' ... good luck!

  test    

I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.
Marilyn Monroe
 

All women do have a different sense of sexuality, or sense of fun, or sense of like what's sexy or cool or tough.
Angelina Jolie

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.
Mae West

I do expose my body, but only because I think people should have something nice to look at.
Brigitte Nielsen

I love a man who can wear my underwear.
Yasmine Bleeth

A hard man is good to find.
Mae West

I drive with my knees. Otherwise, how can I put on my lipstick and talk on my phone?
Sharon Stone

You don't have to be naked to be sexy.
Nicole Kidman

Women are like ovens. We need 5 to 15 minutes to heat up.
Sandra Bullock

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Any time you've got nothing to do and lots of time to do it come on up.
Mae West

A woman isn't complete without a man. But where do you find a man - a real man - these days?
Lauren Bacall

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.
Katharine Hepburn

I'm just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It's just there. It's something I don't have to turn on.
Megan Fox

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper
headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.  Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.  Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.  Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up
with the $500.00

Medical Distinction:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep

you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met

by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still

cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of

perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the

butt and having the balls to say:

'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically

speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately

result in death.

Ralph's Surgery

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
 

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his
friend and kills him. Wife says, "If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL
your friends"
>> > ****************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

>> > ****************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

>> > ****************************************

Husband asks spouse, "Do you know the meaning of W.I.F.E.?? It's
Without Information, Fighting Every time."
Wife replies, "No, It means, With Idiot For Ever!"

>> > ***************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.

>> > ***************************************

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, and my mom
fainted, dad had a heart attack, & our neighbour ran away.

>> > ***************************************

A women asks a man who is traveling with six children, "Are all
these kids yours??"

The man replies sarcastically, "No, I work in a condom factory
and these are customer complaints."

>> > ***************************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between
confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son. I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!"

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. Get a woman who helps at home, cooks and cleans up.

2. Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.

3. Get a woman who you can trust and who does not lie to you.

4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It is very important that these four women do not know each other.

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.  He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity.  It will improve in two weeks"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.  The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better........ Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,

"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

Ann Summers has come up with an easy guide to complete sexual joy, it explores the clitoris, the G spot and even shows the male where everything is!......................TwatNav will be in their shops and catalogues by Christmas!


Man goes to the Doctors and punches him in the face."Thats for telling my wife she's got a nice fanny, you pervy git!" "I didn't say that" said the Doctor perplexed."I told her she had acute angina".

Statistics say women think they're smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.  Men say "Big fuckin deal. Try faking an entire relationship just for a shag!"

Taffy,Jock & Paddy are chatting. Taffy says "Women are so stupid. My wife has bought a car & she can't even drive" Jocks says "Thats nothing! My wifes on a diet & shes not even fat" Paddy says "Thats .... all! My wifes taken 30 condoms to Benidorm & she hasn't even got a****!

One afternoon a little girl returned home from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied: "Really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well...Okay...the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thing sort of stands up, and then the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies." Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

Questions:
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."   The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window. The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side. Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts. "But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams. "Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your *****. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!" She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her ***** and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her *****, and pulls over. "What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks. "Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck". "If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women, they are mixing the clio and taurus,and calling it the 'CLITARUS'; it comes in pink.with or without fur on the dash, the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is !

Two doctors lying in bed after sex, he says to her "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after she replies "You must be an anethetist because I didnt feel a thing" !

Girl says to boyfriend "U make love like you decorate" he replies "What...slow with smooth strokes & professional finish ?" "No" she replies "More like the f***** council, u just bang it up, leave a right mess & I have to finish the f**** job myself!

Paddy gets a job as a motorway line painter, 1st day on the job he paints 15 miles. 2nd day he paints 8 miles, and the 3rd day he paints 1 mile. The boss pulls him up and says, Paddy what the hell is going on? Your 1st day was brilliant and now is crap, Paddy says, the bloody bucket is getting further and further away!

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!" This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!" "That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

I can't get online at home today as I'm having some work done on my phone line. I went down to the library to use one of their computers but there was already a queue to use them. Whilst I was waiting this guy went up to the counter and asked for a book on suicide. The librarian said to him : '' Fuck off, you won't bring it back ! ''  Then this black guy approached the counter and said '' I ''.... The librarian interupted him and said '' Fuck off, you won't bring it back '' Anyway, as interesting as all this people watching was, I gave it up as a bad job. I'm now posting to you from the internet cafe, where the biggest fucking nigger you ever did see is reading every word I type.

PROOF POSITIVE THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS.....

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
And deflower young virgins, who pay
Them for the privilege of having sex
For the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
Always falls over on its right side
When intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay
For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad
Breath in the morning!)

 

You might not have known this, but a lot of inanimate objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in,but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "£750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church to make a confession."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession box and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again.

You're in my cupboard now"

A skinny little white guy went into an elevator, looked up and saw this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy saw the little guy staring at him, looked down and said, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The white man fainted and fell to the floor. The big guy knelt down and brought him to by shaking him. The big guy said, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy said, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy said, "Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

'Turn around'!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic nympho? She loved Cooking Socks

Subject: headache

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.  After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:

"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches.  The bad news is that it will require castration."  "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.  

When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20  years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.

 As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a  different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life.  He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would  be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning. He entered the shop and told the salesman:  "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"  "That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.  "I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.

Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove.  As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?" Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.

The salesman eyed Jerry again." Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"  Once again, Jerry was surprised." That's right, how did you know?"  "Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"  So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.  As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?"  Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not? So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see...you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"  Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"  "Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"  Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit.  Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:  "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"  Jerry thought for a second and agreed.  The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said:  "Let's see... size 36."  Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

 The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."  "Oh yes I can," replied Jerry "and have been most of my life."  "I don't understand," said the tailor.  "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against  the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

The Horth Whithperer

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male  or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked  off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?" Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he  can up the horse's twat. The rancher pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!

To My Dear Wife,

"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your 54 year old body, can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife.

Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference....

18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow."

Three lady friends always meet for lunch on Thursdays.

One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold."

Funny you should say that", says Mary. "my Franks balls are always cold too".

"EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH" says Nancy, "that's disgusting. How can you both do that?"

So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best way to keep her man from straying.

The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive.

In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

What happened to you"? Ask her two friends.

"Mike hit me". Came the reply.

" Why?" ask the girls.

"I don't know", says Nancy, "I was giving him the blow job like you told me to, and all I said was, your balls aren't cold like Frank's and John's.

Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. 

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror. 

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????... 

There were three men in a newlywed study.

The first man married a woman from Cornwall.  He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Essex. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, so he explained and showed her how to walk with a vacuum cleaner. On the second day he saw it was better but he had to show her how to open the door of the dishwasher, and how to switch on the oven etc. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Newcastle.  He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
 

Paddys girlfriend just got a tattoo, a seashell on the top of her inner thigh. Paddy thinks its fabulous cos then he can put his ear to it and actually smell the sea!

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

"No, no boyfriend either." "

Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!”

An Irishman's daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father berated her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The Girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, the brand new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it you said you had become?" the girl, crying again said, "a prostitute, Dad!" "Oh! Sweet Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21-30 a woman is like Switzerland or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30-35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35-40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40-50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60-70 a woman is like Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like America - led by a prick.

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the Top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Now Men......... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Earl was 95 and lived in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner Earl would go to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments through his long life. One evening Mildred, 87, wandered into the garden. They began to chat, and before they knew it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in conversation, Earl turned to Mildred and asked,

"Do you know what I miss most of all?"

"What?"

Earl replied, "Having sex."

Mildred exclaimed, "Why you old fool, you couldn't get it up if I held gun to your head!"

"I know, but it would be nice just to have a woman hold it."

"Well, I can oblige you that," said Mildred as she gently unzipped his trousers, removed his manhood, and sat there and held it.

They continued to secretly meet each night in the garden, where they would sit and talk, and Mildred would hold Earl's member in her hand.

Then one night Earl didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred looked for Earl to make sure he was OK. She walked around the home, and finally found him sitting by the swimming pool with another resident, Ethel, who was holding Earl's manhood.

Furious, Mildred shouted, "You two-timing old creep... what does Ethel have that I don't?!"

Earl smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."

What did God say after creating man?

I can do better!

A man suffering from impotence is offered a brand new treatment by his doctor. It involves implanting muscle tissue from an elephants trunk into his penis. The man thinks about it for a while and then about going through life without ever experiencing sex again, and decides to have the operation. A few weeks after the op, he's given the green light to try out his newly renovated equipment, so he takes his girlfriend to one of the best restuarants in town. During the meal he feels a stirring between his legs. it continues to the point of being painful so he unzips his fly to relieve the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis springs out, slides across the table, grabs a bread roll and returns into his trousers. His girlfriend is stunned at first but then with a shy smile asks if he could do it again. With his eyes watering he says 'I think so, but i'm not sure if i could fit another bread roll up my arse'!

Ladies Day.

I bought a new racehorse today! I've decided to call him "My Face".  I don't care if he doesn't win a race, or makes me any money.  I just wanna hear thousands of those fuckin posh tarts at Beverley shouting "Cum On My Face!"

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception by the Queen. The Queen and Barack are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, "Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Barack Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. Get a woman who helps at home, cooks and cleans up.

2. Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.

3. Get a woman who you can trust and who does not lie to you.

4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It is very important that these four women do not know each other.

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus...

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life.
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. (scroll down after your decision is made)



This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."



HOWEVER, the correct answer is:


Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings.

 

Subject: Importance of a Wife

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides ofa coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
MINAVER KAKKOO

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


 

Subject: Importance of a Wife

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides ofa coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

 

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

 

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
MINAVER KAKKOO

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Tam and Billy work at Glasgow Airport as mechanics. Whilst working on one of the planes Tam says, "Hey Billy, I could fair go a lager, whit aboot you?"  Billy says, "Too right. None around here and anyway, Ah'm skint till next pay day."  Same here" says Tam gloomily.
You know whit Ah heard though," says Billy, "see that jet fuel. It's supposed tae gie ye wan helluva buzz."
Worth a shot!" says Tam and they stash some of it into two Irn Bru bottles and each takes one home. Tam tries it out when he's safely ensconced in his flat in Pollokshields. Man! It tastes revolting but wheeeee! The effects  are amazing.
When he wakes up, despite having been as blown out of his mind as hell, there's no trace of a hangover.
The phone rings and it's Billy."Hey Tam," he says, "did you try that aviation fuel?"
Aye! It wiz pure magic!"
”Nae hangover?" quizzes Billy
”Nae hangover!" Tam confirms.
”Have ye farted yet?" asks Billy
”Naw." says Tam puzzled.
”Well prepare yersel!" says Billy, "Cos Ah'm in the HEBRIDES”

 

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the
top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over
to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is
the price of this lovely vehicle?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.... ... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said .. . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.
She said... What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . .. .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Signs

These are actual signs seen around the world in non-English speaking countries. Some of the mistakes are hilarious!

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On a faucet in a Finnish washroom:

To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:

Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:

Stop: Drive Sideaways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today - no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with the nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot beave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

English well talking. Here speeching American.

In a Tokyo hotel:

Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room:

Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig hotel elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening on underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:

For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15.000 Soviet painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:

A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:

In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:

A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

Mary, the church organist was an 80 year old virgin and much admired for her kindness. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her. As he was sat facing her organ, the pastor noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top. It was filled with water and had a condom floating in it. 'Mary' he said pointing at the bowl, 'I wonder if you could tell me about this?' 'Oh yes' she replied. 'Isn't it wonderful? I was in town a few months ago and I found this little package on the floor. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease, and do you know, I haven't had a cold all winter'!

Men are like fine wine. They start out as little grapes and its up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have after dinner!!

What's just 2 1/2 inches long and can satisfy any woman
every time?

A Platinum Credit Card!

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Hull.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!

On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR

KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock!***

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, Night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened

25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Hull

Chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

 (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

 (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some

variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate

>at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will never leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of

Souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of

change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order

for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase

until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell

freezes over.  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa, (Cheerleader Captain and Class Valedictorian) during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night and again this morning, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!!!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Intelligence Test

Three women and three men are travelling by train to see Kingston Rovers.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!

 

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18.. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up                three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime                   commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.

Why do we Press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it
isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering
from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if
they're okay, then it's you.

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.  He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity.  It will improve in two weeks"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.  The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better........ Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

A man has two tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another

man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

No", he says. "The seat is empty".

This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come

with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married".

Oh.....I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find

someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.

No. They're all at the funeral".

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from *government* employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

 

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

A motorist, on his way home from work in Westminster, London came to a dead halt in traffic and muttered, "Damn, this traffic seems worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped vehicles, so he wound down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "Tony Blair is depressed, so he stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening economy, or that his proposed tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The driver asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About ten litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 A blonde bloke, wanting to earn some money, decides to hire himself out as a handyman, so starts canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. He goes to the front door of the first house and asks the owner if she has any odd jobs.

"Well, how much would you charge to paint my porch?" she asks.

The blonde bloke replies:

"How about £50?"

She agrees, telling him that the paint and other materials he might need are in the garage.

The woman's husband hears the conversation and says to his wife:

"Does he realise the porch goes all the way round the house?" To which she replies:

"He should, he was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde bloke comes to the door to collect his money.

"You're finished already?" she asks, surprised.

"Yes," he answers. "And I had some paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the woman reaches for her purse and hands him £50.

"And by the way," the blonde bloke adds:

"It's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

THE DANGERS OF SWITCHING JOBS
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,

"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

10 Commandments of Marriage.

Commandment 1:

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2:

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3:

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Commandment 4:

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5:

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Commandment 6:

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7:

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8:

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9:

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10:

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story:

A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

A womans prayer:

Dear Lord,

So far today I am doing OK

I've not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, selfish, nasty or indulgent

I've not whined, bitched, cursed or eaten chocolate

I've not charged on my credit card

And I thank you.

However, its 7.30am and I'm getting out of bed in a minute so I'll need a lot more help after that!

BEST WINDOW STICKERS

Constipated people don't give a shit!

If you don't believe in Oral Sex -- Keep Ya Fuckin Mouth Shut!

To All The Virgins -- Thanks For Fuck All!

IMPOTENCE -- Natures Way Of Sayin "No Hard Feelings!!"

If Sex Is A Pain In The Arse -- Then You're Doin It Fucking Wrong.

A teenage girl asks her mum "Is it true babies come from where boys put their penis?"

"Yes" says mum.

"Fuckin Ell" says the girl "Won't that break my jaw?!"

The Fanny Poem

This is a hole that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
And all the soap from here to hell
Can never get rid of that fucking smell

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 Litres of low fat milk
6eggs
2 litres of orange juice
A lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk was standing behind her watching. While the till operator was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly said "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about them that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you’re fucking ugly."

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I’ll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, thighs, and pussy, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I’ve never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that fucking lion out of the way."

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin and I’m driving a fucking gritter!"

40 gypsies die in a horrific caravan fire and get sent up to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and says "I’ve only got room for 12, so I’ll give you 5 minutes to decide amongst yourselves which ones are going to stay.............

5 minutes later, St. Peter is talking to God.. "Fucking hell, they’ve gone!", he says.

God replies, "What, all 40?"

"No, the fucking gates!"

Women are just like cartons of orange juice.

It’s not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is - it’s getting those fucking flaps open!!

David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.

Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick.The man says "For this trick David I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer who I see is here tonight and I will also need a table."

He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and takes her from behind.

David Copperfield is horrified and says "That’s not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "Maybe not for you but for me it’s fucking magic."

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I’ve got a better idea....let’s pretend we’re married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Right", he replies. "Get your own fucking blanket.

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out,
"Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required.
"You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow" - not some filth you picked up in the City," he says.

A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"

The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A bull cannot "surprise" more than one cow at a time you know...".

"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He’s fucking the horse!"

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house. After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby Hull studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.

"There’s just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don’t have a bath?"
"That’s not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I’ll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris’s staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returns Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It’s true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don’t believe me, tomorrow night I’ll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model’s naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes" he replies "I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris " but anyway you’ve seen my pussy millions of times?"

"Yes" says Fred "I have....but the rest of the fucking darts team haven’t."

A man walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cocksucking motherfucking boss now!". Naturally the waiter is a bit taken aback and says:"Would you please refrain from from using that kind of language in here sir. I’ll get the manager as soon as I can."

When the manager comes over the bloke greets him with:" Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?"
"Yes sir I am but I would prefer it if you did not use that kind of language in this restaurant. There are respectable guests dining here."
The bloke retorts:"Screw you anus features. Where’s the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and the asks the man to explain himself.
"You stupid smelly dickhead are you fucking deaf or what? Where’s the twatting piano?"
"Ah", says the manager, "you’ve come about the pianist job we advertised in the paper."
"Too fucking right", came the reply.
The manager takes him over to the piano but begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?"
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That’s superb", gasps the manager. "What’s it called?"
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob-end"
The manager is a little perturbed. "Hmmm....well do you know any jazz?"
The man plays the most melancholy piece of jazz the manager has ever heard.
"What’s it called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer".
The manager is now a tad embarrassed. "Well do you know any romantic ballads?"
The bloke plays the most heart wrenching melody ever. "That was fantastic", crooned the manager. "What’s that one called?", immediately wishing that he hadn’t asked.
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece".

The manager finds the pianist’s language totally repulsive but he is so moved by his music that he hires him on condition that he never introduces his songs. He agrees, and the arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks. Until one night when the pianist sneaks off for a wank. He nips off to the staff toilets, grits his teeth and starts buffing his banana. Just as he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that pianist". So he whips up his trousers and returns to the piano and starts to play some more tunes.

After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers: "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling come all over your shoes?"

"Know it", replied the pianist, "I fucking wrote it!!"

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it’s quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She’s got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that’s enough, I’ll do the fucking dishes!"

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again"

In a small town in the south of Ireland, there were two churches, as there always are in small towns in the south of Ireland, a small, modest Protestant church and a large, fancy Catholic church. On a certain Saturday, the Catholic priest came down with the flu and he called and asked the Protestant pastor to substitute for him at Mass on the following Sunday. The pastor told the priest that he would like to help, but he knew nothing of the Catholic faith or the rituals of the Mass. The Priest responded that there were several altar boys and priests in training who would help him through the rough spots, but he really needed the pastor, because a rousing sermon was the thing his congregation needed the most. Somewhat reluctantly, the pastor agreed.

The priest then asked him to do the confession after the Mass. At this, the pastor drew the line and said that confession was the one thing he would not do, first, because it was in conflict with his own faith and, second, he was certain that he could not keep all of the various penances straight. The priest responded that he too sometimes had difficulty remembering all of the various penances, but he had written them all down in a small book, which he had hidden under the seat. If a person said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "this", "that" and "the other thing", he simply had to look them up and give the person his or her penances. Still feeling somewhat uneasy about it, the pastor finally agreed.

On the next day, the mass went surprisingly well. The helpers helped him at all of the right times and the congregation responded to his sermon very well. He had chosen "The 10 Commandments" because it always goes over well. With slightly sweating palms, he finished the Mass and slowly made his way into the confessional booth. The first person, a young woman, said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have sinned. I slept with the neighbour and his son and stole some money from their wallets. Sure enough, he found the sins and penances clearly written out in the priest’s neat handwriting.

It went the same way for each and every person that followed and he found that he rather enjoyed listening in to all of these people’s private lives. Up to the last person, that is. An older man came into the booth, sat down and began: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I know that I should not have done it but I have had anal intercourse once again." The pastor looked up "anal intercourse" in the book. It wasn’t there! He fervently tried "sodomy", "butt fucking", "rectal sex" and everything else he could think of but none of them were in the book! He excused himself and ran into the priest’s small office and called him on the telephone. When the priest answered, he said: "Quick, tell me, what do you give for "anal sex"?

The priest thought about it and responded, slowly: "Well, it all depends. Sometimes a candy bar. Sometimes an ice cream cone. But usually not money."

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man as he’s walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.

The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.

After a while one blonde asks if it feels better, and he says, "That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!"

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Hull Daily Mail when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight

Only £5.00 a pound

Call (01482) 112233

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself."

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" -- to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."

"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here’s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.

At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating: "If I can catch you, I can have you!"

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Rachael replied, "That’s me before the surgery."

A week after arriving back home from Mongolia, a bloke wakes one morning to
find his todger covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he
immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and
tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I’ve got bad
news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little
perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
doc". The doctor answers: "I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going
to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but
what you can do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Engrish doctah,
always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank Goodness!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor,
"You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself.......... You save money"

A catholic bishop went to Rome and was determined to meet the pope.

He went to St Peter’s square and stood at the front of the crowd. He was fortunate enough to see the Pope leaving the Basilica so he tried to attract his attention. The Pope however, stopped just short of him and spoke quietly to a dishevelled and disgusting old tramp before moving on,ignoring the bishop.

Now the bishop thought that the Pope must be a good and caring man who would go out of his way for the poor and down trodden. So the bishop asked the tramp to sell him his rags which he wore the next day in St Peter’s square. The bishop was fortunate enough to see the Pope again and this time the Pope put his arm round the bishop’s shoulder and said.

"Didn’t I tell you to fuck off yesterday!"

A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That’s right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.

While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes I remember it well dear." replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time’s sake, lets go there again and I’ll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for a hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?"

The pensioner replies,

"Son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn’t electrified."

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: “I’ve seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!”

Hugh replies: “Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she’s charging a small fortune.”

Bill (with a chuckle): “Hugh, money’s no object to me. What’s her number.” So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling “God…now I know why you chose the name Divine.”

To which she replies: “Thank you, Bill…..and now I know how you chose the name ….. Microsoft.”

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn’t that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!

Two blonde girls from Essex walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,

"That’s quite nice, don’tcha fink, Susan."

"Yeah. Wot’s it called Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? Wot’s that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ’come to me.’"

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Susan again
saying,

"That don’t smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to
you?"

At a news conference, a journalist said to a politician, "Your assistant said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"

"The truth is," he replied, "My assistant has a big mouth."

Quasimodo is lying on the ground in front of Notre Dame, bleeding everywhere, broken legs and arms. He looks up to the bell tower, where he sees Esmeralda looking down at him. He shouts up,
"You bitch! That’s not what I meant when I said "Toss me off’"

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at the dog".

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog, Muffles, lying dead with its legs up in the air.

She asked, "Daddy, Daddy, why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."

The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."

Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well, Mommy’s legs were up in the air and she was screaming "Oh Jesus, I’m coming I’m coming" and if it wasn’t for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

Policeman pulls a scouser over for having a dog in the front seat.  As the Policeman approaches the car  he sees the scouser smack the dog over the head.  The Copper asks him, “Why have you just hit the dog on the head!” The scouser replies, “The bastard just ate my tax disc”

My girlfriend broke up with me, saying that I was too kinky for her in the bedroom ….

I nearly choked on my own spunk when she told me!

A woman died of Diarrhoea today after having Anal Sex with six men in a vintage car.  Police say it was a Pretty Shitty Gang Bang.

Sky news claims this evening that Coleen Rooney is to sue prostitute Jennifer Thompson for copyright infringement.  She said that sleeping with Wayne for money was her idea first!

How can you spot the Irish guy in the hospital?
He’s the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Definition of a nice Greek Boy:
A boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why aren’t there any Scousers on Star Trek?
Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: ’Can I have a beer Grandpa?’

Grandpa replies: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

The little boy answered: ’No Grandpa. It’s just a little pecker’.

Gramps says: ’Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer’.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: ’Can I have a cigar Grandpa?’

Once again, Grandpa asks: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

Once again the little boy replies, ’No, it’s too little’.

Gramps replies, ’Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar’.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Grandpa asks, ’Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?’

The boy ask, ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’

Gramps replies , ’Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass’.

The little boy replies, ’Then go fuck yourself’. Grandma made these for me’

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the corpse’s arse, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes of stunned silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index."

This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.

Sinead, an Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his order and notices his Irish accent.

Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to sleep with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her £100 for the deed. Sinead is travelling the world and because she is strapped for cash she agrees.

The next night the same guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for 100 quid. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.

This goes on for five nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.

Sinead is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Cork. "Wow, so am I," she says. "What part of Cork?" "Montenotte," he says.

"Well holy god - that’s amazing," she says, "so am I - what street?",

to which he names the street. "This is unbelievable," she says, "what number?"

"Number 20," he says, and she is truly gobsmacked.

"You are not going to believe this," she says, "I’m from number 22 - my parents still live there!"

"I know," he says. "Your da gave me £500 to give you!"

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How’s the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing,but I think I’ve got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

And Woods says: "But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods says to Stevie: "We’ve got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What’s your IQ?" The guy
says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What’s your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about football and the X Factor.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What’s your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you think you’ll be voting New Labour again?"

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye haav eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Fuck off, ye’ll no bring it back!"

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?"

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000 ?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000 ?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, £10,000 ; Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the little old Jewish man… "Costs too much…"

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home."

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin" mother fuckers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves.

30 minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don’t mind me askin" where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...first I had to go to Murphy’s pub down the street to see if I could do it.".

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy-year old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."
"That’s nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the crapper for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.
"You think you’ve got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig." "So what’s the problem ?" ask the other two.

"I don’t wake up until 11:30 !!"

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ’ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Jus try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, and started pulling down his jeans."

The Jamaican began screaming: "Hey mon stop - you got dem on de wrong feet!"

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. I think it’s this Viagra taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, home made muffins or maybe a cheese sandwich?"

"No thanks - I’m still not hungry" he says.

Come dinnertime, she again asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it’s got to be the Viagra... I’m still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving!"

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight , "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution.

Next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight ". He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

A priest was walking along and a frog said to him "Father a curse has been placed on me. I used to be a choirboy, to reverse the curse you must take me home and look after me with some food and a bed for the night."

The priest then took the frog home and placed him on his pillow. In the morning the priest found a young choirboy in his bed.

And that My Lord is the case for the defence.

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years when by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts in. Some time later she heard her husband wake and let rip the usual trouser trumpet which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Hou were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a short while, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later , she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

MEN WATCH OUT FOR!!
40ish...........49
Adventerous.....slept with all your mates
Athletic.......no tits
Emotionally secure....on medication
Feminist......fat
Free spirit.....junkie
Friendship first......former slut
Fun.......annoying
Gentle......dull
New age......body hair problems
Open minded......desperate
Outgoing.......loud and embarrassing
Poet.....manic depressive
Professional....b i t c h
Romantic.....frigid
Wants soul mate.....stalker
Widow.....murderer

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5.. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with u
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with u
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with u
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with u
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning as I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind- blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, "Baaaaaaa’ and rejoined the flock.

This book is only for sale in Wales, Australia, New Zealand and certain parts of Outer Mongolia.

Man says to his girlfriend in the bedroom "I got some Olympic condoms for us to try out..
There’s a gold one a silver one and a bronze one..
Should we try the gold one babe?"

No she says "Try the silver one and come second for a change!!"

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I’ll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I’m not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don’t," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar in the wild west and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they’ve got no money and the barman won’t give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian’s scalp on his belt. The barman shakes his head and says,"I hate Indians. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the scalp of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars."

The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian ... later that day they see one, and Mick throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine. Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine where Paddy starts scalping the Indian.

Suddenly Mick says,"Paddy look at this...."
Paddy says,"In a minute."
"No, look at this....,"says Mick.
"No, can’t ya see i’m fookin busy....."
Mick grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.

"Fook me," says Paddy, "we’re gonna be millionaires."

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"

She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"

He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, ’fuck off it’ll be too painful.’"

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "This guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"I’m so relieved you feel that way." the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "He just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight arse!"

Bob goes into the public toilets and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor bugger is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Errr, OK, I’ll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your prick?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don’t know, but I ain’t touching it.

What does a dwarf get when he runs through a woman’s legs?

A clit round the ear and a flap across the face!

A salesman decides to try for a new job in a department store.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The man, "Yeah, I’ve been a salesman all my life."
The boss liked him, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.? I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.? After the shop was locked up, the boss came down.? "How many sales did you make today?"
The salesman says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£50,237.64."
"£50,237.64?? What the hell did you sell him?"
"First I sold him a some fish hooks.Then I sold him a new fishing rod.? Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that big twin engine job. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the car department and sold him a 4x4 Land Rover."

The boss said, "Somebody came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing."

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to lodge a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It’s Keith, the dwarf."

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think we’ve been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we strip off ?"

So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady said, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn’t be surprised," replied Gramps. "One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."

One day at Infants" school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I’ll give 50p to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It was Saint Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that’s not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It was Saint Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That’s absolutely right, Esther, come up here and I’ll give you your 50p."

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know - in my heart it is Moses, but business is business."

Lady & her best friend go on hols to the Caribbean & meet a muscular black guy.  After a week of fantastic 3some sex they ask his name.  He says “My name’s Snow”. The ladies start laughing. He asks “Why are they laughing?” They reply “Our husbands will never believe we had 10 inches of fucking snow in the Caribbean!"

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "My hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Wow, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR FUCK’S SAKE, DON’T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"

Do you know anyone who wants a 42inch plasma screen tv for 50 quid.  The volume button doesn’t work but for that price you can’t turn it down!

A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says "Sorry darling but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynaecologist and I want to stay fresh."

The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while then whispers "Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow?"

Was asked to go and see my ex girlfriend today. One thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. Police weren’t too pleased. I was only meant to be identifying her body!

Little Johnny jumps on a bus and sits immediately behind the driver. Johnny starts chanting at the top of his voice “If my mammy was a cow and my daddy was a bull I’d be a calf … if my mammy was a ewe and my daddy was a ram then I’d be a lamb … if my mammy was a mare and my daddy was a stallion then I’d be a foal … If my mammy was a sow and my daddy was a boar then I’d be a piglet …” The bus driver was getting fed up and said to Johnny “and if your mammy was a fucking prostitute and your daddy was a wanker then what would you be?” Johnny replied without a blink “Then I’d be a fucking bus driver”.

A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror one evening and says to her husband....

"GOD LOOK AT ME, I look fat, old and ugly. Please pay me a compliment"


"YER FUCKIN EYESIGHT IS SPOT ON" He says

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem - not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. It is an important part of our culture.

For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there’s your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It’s very simple and easy to understand.

Now Fucking Hell the Condom’s Split, my son, do you have any other questions?"

Two pregnant women sat knitting one turns to the other and says "I hope mine’s a boy because I’ve bought blue wool"

The other woman replies "I hope mines a spastic because I’ve fucked up the arms"

It is just before Scotland v England in the World Cup Group game.

Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What’s up?" he asks.

"Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Scotland. They’re shite and we can’t be bothered".

Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down."
"Don’t be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I’ve let you down..........


I got sent off after 12 minutes"

2 women talking. 'Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?''  I did once & he looked really angry.  ''Why angry?''  He was watching from the window...!'

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven... The man says he'll try.. God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on.. "Not bad" says the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the freezer I had to fuck her up the arse"..They don’t like that in heaven replies God.. The man says "They're not too fucking happy about it in Iceland either!"

A Real Man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up or let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. . He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could and live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in any room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible. . . . No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of Wine. . It's WINE that does all that. . . . . Sorry. .

A worried priest goes to the Doctor with a small white hard lump on his penis. Doctor gets a pair of tweezers and picks up the lump, examines it, turns to the anxious priest and says, "Nothing to worry about its only a milk tooth!"

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.  
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.  '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.  
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.  
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.  
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for Viagra. The pharmacist says, 'I'm going to need medical proof you need it.' Bloke says, 'Will a photo of my wife do?'

I said to my wife 'When i die I'm going to leave everything to you.' She said 'You do anyway you lazy CUNT !

Name 6 great kings who have brought immense happiness into people’s lives.......Answer:-  Drin-king, Fuc-king, Lic-king, Suc-king, Span-king & Wan-king!

SEX AT 75!  I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox informing me that I can have sex at 75! I'm so happy because I live at 67 so it’s not far to walk home !!

Man & wife are out shopping together.  Wife sees some shoes she wants but her husband says, "NO WAY!  They're way too expensive." Later that nite in bed he lays a hand on his wife, She says, "I don't fucking think so mate! If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then you ain't fucking riding it!!!"

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I’ve just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What’s it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

After some great sex, she lies there stroking his prick.

He asks "Do you want more sex?"

"No" she replies, "I’m just admiring your cock... I really miss mine."

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.’

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked "What are you sellin" here?’

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We’re selling ass-holes.’

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You’re doing well, only two left.’

A little old lady entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma’am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"
"Well, yes ma’am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma’am, one of them does."
"W -Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"

Farmer buys a Milking Machine.  Tries it on his dick & has a great orgasm but can’t remove it.  He reads the manual and faints. It says AUTO RELEASE AFTER 21 LITRES!

My missus was giving me some mouth, so I pulled off the nearest thing in the kitchen and hit her with it.  She cried “Ouch, you bastard that hurt!” I said “Give over, it was only a tap!”

BLISSFUL HARMONY DATING AGENCY We regret that your application to join our match making service has been rejected. You failed Q. 23 “What do you like most in a woman?” “My bell end” was not an acceptable answer.

Chinese man rings his boss. Me no work I sick. Boss says when I’m sick I fuck the wife, try that! 2 hours later Chinese man rings back, “Me better, You got nice house!”

Q. What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. Black coat, white collar and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting,
" Your mum’s the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says,
" I just screwed your mum, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,
" Your mum loved it!"
Finally, the guy just can’t take it anymore. He looks at the drunk and yells -
" Go Home, Dad! You’re Drunk Again!"

A couple realise that they are spending far more than they earn every week so they decide to go through the bills.

"Look at this!!", says the wife, "£16 a week on bloody lager!! That has to go for starters".

"What about this then?", says the husband. "£25 a week on makeup!!".

"But I need the makeup to make me look young and attractive for you" explains the wife.

To which the husband shouts...
"That’s what the fucking lager was for!!!"

There’s an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says:" I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says:"That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn’t even know she drank!"

With that the Irishman says:"Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a willy!"

While walking through the park a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I’m listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin" me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,

"What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said....

"This just isn’t gonna be your day......"

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "You didn’t steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, "£20 or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, he goes to the bar and orders three whiskys.
The cat shouts "I’m not paying"
"I know" says the man "I’m paying."

A little later he comes to the bar again, and orders three whiskeys, "I’m not paying" shouts the cat again, again the man tells him that he is paying.

The man comes to the bar a third time, and again the cat shouts "I’m not paying".
The barman intruiged by this asks the fellow, "Excuse me sir, but why have you come in here with that cat and an ostrich ?"
"Well" says the man, "Before I came in here, I met a genie who said he would grant me any wish. So I asked for a long legged bird, with a tight pussy".

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her arse and said, "You know if you firmed this up you could get rid of your girdle."

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

She rolled over and grabbed him by the dick and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the window cleaner, and your brother."

A blonde goes to a chemist and asks for some rectal deodorant.

"Rectal deodorant? I don’t think we have any," says the pharmacist.

"I always buy it here, you always have it," blonde responds.

Baffled, the pharmacist asks the blonde if she can have a look round the shelves and see if they can find it. Eventually, the blonde grabs a standard stick deodorant.

"See, I told you that you sold it!" she triumphantly declares.

The confused pharmacist says "But that’s just normal deodorant - it’s not rectal deodorant".

"It is," says the blonde, "See - it says here "to apply, push up bottom’"

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of cake complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you!

I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.........
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The lady doctor then chuckled and said,

"I’m just pulling your leg.

He’s dead. What did you buy?"

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barrelled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a fantastic job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye."

One winter morning John and his wife were listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. John’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.." John’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the power goes out. John’s wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plough can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, John says, "Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Two men both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A nurse greets the two men, tells them she has to prepare them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She asks the first man to sit down on the examination table and take off his clothes, which he does. She then tells him to have a wank
"What!" he says, "What’s that all about?"
She replies "It’s standard procedure to ensure you have no blockages."

Once done, the nurse tells the second man to sit down on the examination table and take off his clothes. When he is up on the table, the nurse licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him.

Upon seeing this, the first man interrupts, "Hey, what’s this? I have to wank, and he gets a blow job. That’s not fair."

The nurse looks up at the first man and says, "Sorry, but that’s the difference between the NHS and BUPA!"

After working for so many years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverts over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only be happy by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old.

She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and so they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband.

"Thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "I haven’t but if it’s anything like I’ve had with a kangaroo, we’re going to need all the room we can get"!

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replies, "I’m a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle my owners bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, " I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he’s at the vet’s office for.

I’m a humper," the black lab says. "I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, legs, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he said.
"Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you £5" he says.
"£5 !! Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you £10" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"£50" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"
"£100 if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old ... and £100 would be very handy...."Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying "Oh my god’?"
While continuing to fondle her tits he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get £100 ?"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.’

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........

You got nice house”

A burglar breaks into a home and as soon as he walks in he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks around, and sees nothing. He walks towards the VCR and again he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks up and down and around, and still sees nothing. He begins to unhook the VCR and again hears, "Jesus is watching you."! He looks in the corner and sees a parrot in a cage, and asks the parrot, "Was that you who said that?"
The parrot replies, "Yes"
The burglar asked "What’s your name ?" "Moses."
"What kind of idiot would name a parrot Moses ?"
"The same idiot who would name a Doberman "Jesus’."

An elderly man walks into a confessional...

Old Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I fucked each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Old Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Old Man: "I’m Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I’m 92 years old ... I’m telling everybody."

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I’m afraid I don’t have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either." "
Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I’m unattached, I’ll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I’m very sorry," says the midwife, "that’s really none of my business and I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I’m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that’s really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a smack on the asre. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank fuck for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks. There where only 3 survivors: Ian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Deirdre felt really bad about what she had been doing... She felt having sex with Ian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Ian and Darren managed to get through it, and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.....

Well, a couple more years went by and Ian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.

So................


They buried her.

Viagra eye drops make you look hard as fuck

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe, Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.  Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely naked, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It’s got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?"
"Yes .."
"Well ... that was me."

I’m having a Halloween party on Saturday. Any chance of you peeping through the window and scaring the shit out of everyone!

 Couple were outside having sex at night. He says “I wish I had a torch!” She says “So do I! You’ve been licking that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes”

The Police knocked on my door looking for a person that steals vibrators, lick balls, and likes it up the arse! What should I do? Pretend I don’t know you?

I applied for a job in a mental hospital. They said I need 6 months experience with a retard ….

How long have we known each other?

Sex is like Nokia (connecting people) like Nike (just do it) like Pepsi (ask for more) like Samsung (everyone is invited) and like me (too good to be true)

Little boy gets home from school and says “Dad, I’ve got a part in the School play. I play a man who’s been married for 25 years!” The Dad replies “Never mind Son, maybe next time you’ll get a fucking speaking part!”

3 bodies all turn up at mortuary all with smiles on their faces.  Cop asks Coroner “Why are they all smiling?” Coroner says “1^st guy dies of heart attack shagging his lover, hence his smile, 2^nd guy won lottery, spent it on whisky & died of alcohol poisoning. 3^rd guy – Paddy from Dublin, struck by lightning!” Cop asks “Why the fuck was he smiling?” Coroner replies, “Thought he was having his photo taken!”

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.

"Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!"

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you’ve done!"

The missionary replies: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK IN YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you what - you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the kid."

On their 25th anniversary a couple took a second honeymoon at the same hotel.
As they reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what went through your mind ?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry".
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now ?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Ten quid . ." she whispers.

He’d never been with a prostitute before, but he decides, it’s only a tenner. So they hide in the bushes.

They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It’s a policeman. "What’s going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I’m making love to my wife!," he answers indignantly.

"Oh, I’m sorry," says the cop, "I didn’t know."

"Well," he says, "neider did I, til you shined dat light in her face!!"

Steven Hawkins goes on a date, the first in over ten years.

He arrives back from his date with a broken wrist, broken ankle, and scuffed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.'

 One Monday morning the ParcelForce man is driving through a neighbourhood on his usual delivery route. As he approaches one of the homes to drop off a package, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
As he was carrying the package to the door, his wonderment was cut short by the sight of Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night, the ParcelForce man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk that around midnight, we started playing WHO AM I."

The ParcelForce man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ’privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

"The ParcelForce man laughs and says, "Damn, I’m sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.

"Your name came up seven times"....

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can’t believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says "Fucking hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No" she replies "I am your son’s English teacher!"

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

"Well,how was it?’

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...
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"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"

A tit, a fanny and an arsehole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Tit: I give milk to new born babies and am attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I am the greatest!

Fanny: I give birth to new borns and am able to accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I am the greatest!

Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn now!

Say something!

“Bra sizes”

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, GG, and H are the letters used for bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, well it’s about time you got to know!

(A)              Almost Boobs …

(B)              Barely there.

(C)              Can’t Complain!

(D)             Damn!

(DD)        Double Damn!

(E)               Enourmous!

(F)               Flippin hell!

(G)              God Damn.

(GG) Got to Grab!

(H)              Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

Preston Road lad in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest girl they have, with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat.  The Madam said “Are you feeling kinky tonight, Sir?” He replied, “No …. Just homesick!”

 A recent study was done into the location of a man’s G spot. And proof was found that it is definitely at the back of a woman’s throat!

Took a bird home after night clubbing last night after a few drinks at mine we went upstairs while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said “I hope that’s not that fat cunt from last week!” The bird said “What the fuck was that?” I said “It’s that bastard memory foam mattress!”

This is a story about 4 people, named Everycunt, Somecunt, Anycunt and Nocunt. One day, there was a job that needed doing, and Somecunt was asked to do it, Everycunt was sure Somecunt would do it, but Nocunt did it. Everycunt got angry because it was Somecunt’s job. Nocunt realised that Anycunt could have done it. It ended up with Everycunt blaming Somecunt and Nocunt doing what Anycunt could have done. I think I work with these cunts!

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

Grandad normally takes 5 year old grandson for a drive on Saturdays but was feeling unwell. So the Grandma took him instead. When they got back he asked the child how it went. “Great” said the little boy. “We didn’t see one fucking wanker, dickhead, twat or bastard all day!”

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord said, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor’s surgery. The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us make love?"
The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them £20.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, screw, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man responded, "We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to her house. I am married and we can’t go to my house. The Sheraton Hotel charges £52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges £37.00. We shag here for £20.00 and I get £18.00 back from insurance company for a visit to the doctor’s surgery.

A woman went to the doctor and asked his help to revive her man’s sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the Doctor. "Not a chance" she said, "he won’t even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem" replied the doctor, "drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later she returned to the Doctor and the Doctor inquired as to how things went.
"Oh it was horrible, just terrible, Doctor."
"What happened?" asked the Doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my knickers off and slipped me a length over the table. It was terrible."
"What’s the problem?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no Doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll never be able to show my face in MacDonalds again."

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite."

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won’t punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I’m not going to punch anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!"

Two city type chaps were having a sly pint during lunchtime one afternoon but after a while it got a bit out of control booze-wise and they were both rapidly getting spannered.

Suddenly and without warning one of the chaps thew up down the front of his suit. "I think I’d better go home" he said, but his buddy replied "No need my friend, just do what I always do in this position, put a £10 note in your breast pocket, and when your lovely wife asks you about the puke stain all down the front of your suit, say that a bloke in the pub did it and if you don’t believe me theres the £10 that he gave me for the dry cleaning in my top pocket"

"Brilliant".

So the binge carried on until closing, by which time the two of them were TOTALLY wasted. On getting home the chap with the puke problem was confronted in his hallway by his wife...

"Look at the state of you, you are despicable, disgusting, vile"
"It’s not what it seems to be" he replied, and continued to tell the lie about the chap in the pub "and if you don’t believe me there’s the £10 he gave me for the dry cleaning in my breast pocket" he said.

His wife, being a suspicious type, reached into his pocket. "Hang on" she said, "there’s £20 in here"

To which the drunk replied "He also shat my pants".

The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "It will be 24 hours before it
can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up," apologises the Pope.

"No problem." replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven."

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

Tiger: "You’re a day late!!"

A vicar is having a bath, and he’s a little down so he decides to, well, you know, "pleasure" himself. So he’s quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he’s just seen. Couple of minutes later, doorbell rings - it’s the window cleaner. Vicar is understanably embarrased, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 quid" comes the reply.

"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, 50 quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. Following week, the bishop’s round for his supper and is having a wander "round the vicar’s house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you’ve got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Guy from the village does them for me, does a great job," replies the vicar

"How much does he charge you?"

"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"

"Fifty quid! Blimey!" says the bishop, "he must have seen you coming!"

A man goes to a prostitute and asks what he can have as he only has £20.
The prostitute replies "For that you get a snowstorm".
The man is baffled as he has never heard of a snowstorm, but not wanting to appear naive, he agrees and hands over the money.

After tucking the cash safely away, the woman kneels down, unzips his trousers, and proceeds to give him a blow job. The man shoots his load into her mouth and then does up his zip.

"Great!" he says "but what has that got to do with a snowstorm?"
The woman gets to her feet, looks him square in the face, and blows a long raspberry.